FUCK ME, HERE COMES THE IRISH !

 

gettyimages-690447478I dont like the Tories ya know, never did, I know that’s not considered “cool” among  young people nowadays considering a lot of them have fucked off to the right. But im a working class lad from Ulster I couldn’t bring myself to be shagged up the arse with metal nail ridden pipe and say “cheers mate” afterwards, I just dont have that in me.

Considering I am from the North of Ireland I cant actually vote for the Conservatives or Labour as they dont really run here, aye  there’s an odd conservative candidate here and there but they never get much votes. Instead we have Sinn Fein and The DUP and then a couple of diet versions of those parties .

Earlier this year our leader Martin McGuinness died, whatever you think about the man, he did a lot for the peace process, it seemed like the entire country came together to mourn Martin. But then right wing politicians from England started to chime in, I always heard the Brits sit in their high horse and look down on us paddies laughing at how we fight amongst ourselves, but it took Martins death to show me that Brits are just as bad when it comes to whataboutery, for a long time I thought it was an Irish word, turns out they are just as bad as us, but with posher accents.

The British public also had a busy couple of days after Martins death, I saw people  who probably only found out we existed talked about Martin thinking they’re king dick. I said to myself this wont last long, after this we will not be talked about for another 10 years… I was wrong.

Apart from a couple of attempts smearing Jeremy Corbyn before the Election with him talking to Gerry Adams, even though its well documented that he was trying to bring Sinn Fein into the peace talks, but the way the public spoke about Sinn Fein it really made it seem like one day the Irish decided to start a fight with someone during a weekend bender. Nobody spoke of state collusion with loyalist paramilitaries and no spoke of the UVF or UDA.

Then after the election of course the DUP got in talks with the Tories to form a government and now all of a sudden everyone is a has fucking expert on Northern Irish politics.

Now im not used to our country being in the national spotlight, we are never talked about, my da always says ” the brits dont care till it happens in their back garden”  I feel like hes right, I was actually shocked by the amount of people who had no idea about our country, It fucking melted me.

But now everyone will see how shite it is living in the North and how the DUP a corrupt outdated party

I guess im a little over protective over our bigots, it used to be our thing to sleg them, our wee inside joke, now the world is slegging them with absolute shite patter, they fucking ruined it now, we  cant have anything fuck sake ,they maybe cunts, but they’re our cunts

Now im seeing all these these clickbait news websites listing  everything bad the DUP has done…

English Journalist- “DID YOU KNOW THE DUP DID…”

YES CUNT, IVE KNOWN FOR YEARS, WHERE WERE YOU YA DICK, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN IT MATTERED ? Ya fucking fanny

 

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The Thief

THIEF

There was one time a masked fella broke into my house and tried to rob me blind while I was in the kitchen trying on my newly bought skiing mask, he broke the window in my living room, not expecting anybody to be home as I made a very public Facebook post stating I’ve been in the Florida for the past week, even had selfies of me on the tropical  beach, but I wasn’t, I spent a day in Newcastle and blurred the background, ya ever the phrase

“ya know, if yee squint hard enough, while going blind in one eye,  you could mistake Newcastle for Miami” well I was going for that. I just wanted to look like I was doing well for myself in front of my old high school friends.

He entered the kitchen only to find a masked man drinking tea and eating Digestive biscuits,reading the sun, don’t hold it against me, I was having a rough night, im actually really sound. He looked at me with a blank stare, it was awkward to say the least.

I had about 2 digestive biscuits shoved in my mouth, like a deer in the headlights,I was frozen, the only good thing about this scenario was I had Shawshank Redemption on in the background and if the robber took anything away from this experience I hoped it was how much of an underrated gem Shawshank was and that he should give it a watch when he gets the chance, I mean it’s sad no one talks about Shawshank, it’s never on TV and what the fuck happened to all the actors? Mystery.

Anyway as we both stood facing each other, after 5 minutes of silence he finally broke.

“Sorry mate I didn’t know this house was taken” he said, I decided to pretend I was a robber as well, I don’t know why, I guess I was just caught in the moment

“aye no bother man, though there is not much left to steal, I mean there’s a Blu Ray of Shawshank Redemption in the living room, you can take that, underrated gem, give it a watch when yee get the chance”

“Haha nah its alright, Ive seen it too many times, I don’t think it’s underrated” I was confused.

I invited him to have a seat and I made him a cup of tea I offered him a Digestive, but he refused .“So you know anything about the guy who owns this house ?” he asked me.

“Aye I heard he’s rolling in it and living the life despite what his old high school friends think, but as far as I know he doesn’t keep any of it lying around” I said while getting ready to knock this cunt out.

“Thats a shame, I really needed that money”

“why’s that bud ?” I decided to humour him.

“I have 3 kids to feed, the ma fucked off awhile back, we dont have enough to pay rent, we will be out in the streets by the end of the month”

“That’s shocking mate” I said to him.

“ya know what, I think ill have one of them Digestives now”

“Good man, there’s one digestive for ya mate, enjoy it”

We chatted for hours, two masked men drinking tea, trading life stories, it was great.

“I think its time for me to go mate, the baby sitter will be raging” he said.

Just before he climbed out of the broken window he broke, I said

“WAIT!”

I ran into the living room and grabbed my Shawshank Redemption DVD

“Give it to your kids, Shawshank Redemption, underrated gem, tell them to give it a watch when they get the chance.”

He took the DVD with a smile on his face and off he went into the sunset. What an amazing experience, ya know for a robber the only thing he manage to steal was my hear…

Hold on my packet of digestive biscuits are gone, vanished, just like that, thieving cunt somehow managed to stroke a full packet of digestive biscuits from my kitchen table, the next time I see that wanker Im gonna shoot the bastard where he stands.

 

 

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Whataboutery

In Northern Ireland If you have an argument with someone and they start their reply with “Aye, but sure what about…” you know it’s gonna end up with multiple broken limbs by 1pm, a paramilitary breaking it’s ceasefire by 3pm, loads of pointless  statements made by parties of the establishment by 5pm, a minister threatening to resign by 6pm, fear of the peace process collapsing by 8pm and willie fraizer calling you a tramp in a Facebook video by 8:30pm.

By 9pm the whole thing will blow over and be forgotten about…

And just in time for celebirty big brother

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Orange Order Lands Disney Deal In An Effort To Be More Kid Friendly

 

lodge

With the twelfth over we are now in the age every culture needs to be represented in media  and no one should feel left out that is why the orange order has made a deal with Disney to promote orange culture.

In the past, Disney have tried to base their shows on Orange Culture before though the majority have failed to make it pass the first season, shows like Thats so Ravenhill and Billy McGuire sadly will never be seen on our screens again.

This new show called simply as “the lodge” is about members of the orange order having to deal with foreigners, it can be seen in the promo pic that members of the lodge seem to be having trouble with  immigrants sitting on their fence, judging from the trailer it should be great family fun.

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Northern Ireland is melted as strange yellow object in the sky posts appear

I woke up this afternoon to find out it was actually sunny for a change and I thought to myself “huh, this is actually nice, I am going to enjoy this day” about an hour later as I find myself sitting in my room, on my computer with the fan on and curtains close, I checked Facebook to see what the world is up to.

I realise that I am not a sun guy, not just because I dont go out much and I dont like social interaction (I know, I sound like a right gimp) but as a scroll through Facebook I am starting to see a flood of statuses claiming there is  a strange yellow object in the sky and posting pictures of that “strange yellow object.” I thought to myself “fuck me, its clearly the sun, like I dont understand, do they not know what a sun looks like ? I mean are they trying to bait me ? If so, they are successful, I am hooked”

But then I thought, what if it isnt the fucking sun ? Like what if everyone is in on this big government conspiracy except me, I was fucking raging and scared, I became paranoid, I had to break my phone, I didnt want anyone listening in on my phone calls.

I contacted Edward Snowden, regarding this, but I am still waiting on a reply, Im just going to assume they got him.

gfd

I had to choose my next moves carefully, I felt alone, who could I trust ? I then  thought NASA, I contacted them, I decided to call them on their bullshit.

ghjkl

I never received a reply from them either, but funny enough I got a message from a certain US president just minutes after I sent NASA  an email, coincidence ?

dghj

All Im saying is they are up to something I dont know what, but it is something.

Please pass this on to Willie Frazer and Alex Jones, I need some solid advice as to what to do with this information, thanks and stay safe .

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Loose talk cost lives

dfgh

Eclipse Cinema warns movie goers to choose their words carefully. Recently trolls have taken to social media to spoil major movie plot points for everyone, which is really bad for business. The cinema have stated they will administer kneecappings if anyone is caught posting massive spoilers on Facebook or Twitter.

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I interviewed a victim of the cinemas harsh vigilante justice, he didnt want to be identified so we will call him Rose ” I thought I was being a legend, ya know spoiling movies online, it was fun, but thats all behind me now, it was a moment of madness”

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Movie House condemns the actions of Eclipse and responds” This is not the way to move forward, keep the past  in the past and let it stay in the past, we need to move forward, its the only way to go”

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Odyssey Cinemas call Movie Houses response “an absolute joke” and state that the two are very much the same thing. Though we asked Odyssey Cinemas about the accusations about them over charging a popcorn and coke, they simple replied “no comment.”

 

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No Hope

As I write this im looking out the window observing a fella stealing a bin on my street, I just leaned back and thought to myself while listening to my Billy Joel album “this is my life now” as Billy was giving it stacks through my earphones with “Only the good die young” ya know that tune is about him trying to fuck a taig, but thats for another blog.

Im just so fucking sick of this country and the arseholes that live in it, its the same shit everyday, flags, someone denying they have any paramilitary connections, someone saying they had paramilitary connections and they are proud of it, marching. Remember that shit song by Pharrell Williams “Happy” ? I fucking hate that song, I hate everything about it, I hate the lyrics, I hate the sound of it and I hated the fucking endless lip dub videos it caused, seriously fuck that song, now that song was played the fuck out on radio, waking up everyday turning on the radio to hear that piece of shit, made me want to wrap a union jack around my neck so they would hang me on a lamppost, thats what its like living in Northern Ireland hearing the same shit everyday, but for the rest of your life its fucking boring now, its so fucking played out, we get, fuck up and fucking get a life.

We have the highest rate of suicide in the UK, you would think the main thing to do is to tackle that kind of thing, nah not if you are a politician in Northern Ireland, if you are suicidal in Northern Ireland you are handed a bible, some pills and told to fuck off.

While Im ranting, fuck you and your fucking umbrella, it was pishing rain the other day in Belfast I was walking to college through the city centre and this fucking pelican with an umbrella almost poked my eye out with her umbrella, BUY A HAT, cunt.

Inspired by Áine Carson

 

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