Halloween is a time for letting your kids be somebody elses fucking problem for one night, you deserve it and hey, if they get abducted… even better. Lets face it, your kids are fucking annoying, some of you, don’t even bother dressing them up, if your shitty kid is not going to make an effort in dressing up they can fuck off. Look, all you have to do is get a bin liner cut some holes in it and stick it on, its not that hard, you would be surprised the amount of parents who let their kids go out looking like a pound shop provo, knocking on doors and harassing more old people than a desperate U.U.P canvasser.
We also like Bonfires, like… we really fucking like Bonfires, its almost a community event,young people and grown man childs go around the town knocking on peoples doors looking for some spare parts for the boney. If you are having trouble to create a bonfire of your own, get that cunt Gary who lives down the road, who keeps getting your mail but never returns it, set his bins on fire, that will be good enough.
Fireworks are also a great way to celebrate Halloween, some families like to play an old game that dates back to the 60s its called “Whats that Bang?” The game consists of trying to figure out was the bang a fire work or an army controlled explosion down the road.
Try to stay away from houses that don’t have any decorations up, that’s where the local religious nutters live, you knock on that door, your gonna get a gub full of holy water and get chased down the road by a man reciting the lords prayer with a crucifix in his hand, if your lucky, you get a free exorcism out of it… or you’ll get a free exercise out of it, you fat cunt.
Our religious nutters are everywhere, they run the country, they even run our bakeries… one bakery refused to serve a gay wedding cake for a gay couple, the bakery either has a problem with Bert and Ernie or gay people, probably both, but only big wankers dont like Bert and Ernie. But this christian company’s argument was that they have done nothing wrong in the eyes of God… this same company has no problem selling Halloween pagan cakes… just saying.
Halloween is enjoyed by everyone, especially by our local wee paramilitaries, they just love this time of year. Seeing their wee faces smile is just a wonderful thing to see. Any other time of year they would have to be careful when they dress up in their combat gear, but Halloween is a gift because they blend in with the crowd, its the only time their jungle camouflage has blended in with the background.
So there ya have it, the best way to survive Halloween in Northern Ireland is just avoid the entire fucking country, go to the Isle of man or something, anywhere is better than here.