The Thief


There was one time a masked fella broke into my house and tried to rob me blind while I was in the kitchen trying on my newly bought skiing mask, he broke the window in my living room, not expecting anybody to be home as I made a very public Facebook post stating I’ve been in the Florida for the past week, even had selfies of me on the tropical  beach, but I wasn’t, I spent a day in Newcastle and blurred the background, ya ever the phrase

“ya know, if yee squint hard enough, while going blind in one eye,  you could mistake Newcastle for Miami” well I was going for that. I just wanted to look like I was doing well for myself in front of my old high school friends.

He entered the kitchen only to find a masked man drinking tea and eating Digestive biscuits,reading the sun, don’t hold it against me, I was having a rough night, im actually really sound. He looked at me with a blank stare, it was awkward to say the least.

I had about 2 digestive biscuits shoved in my mouth, like a deer in the headlights,I was frozen, the only good thing about this scenario was I had Shawshank Redemption on in the background and if the robber took anything away from this experience I hoped it was how much of an underrated gem Shawshank was and that he should give it a watch when he gets the chance, I mean it’s sad no one talks about Shawshank, it’s never on TV and what the fuck happened to all the actors? Mystery.

Anyway as we both stood facing each other, after 5 minutes of silence he finally broke.

“Sorry mate I didn’t know this house was taken” he said, I decided to pretend I was a robber as well, I don’t know why, I guess I was just caught in the moment

“aye no bother man, though there is not much left to steal, I mean there’s a Blu Ray of Shawshank Redemption in the living room, you can take that, underrated gem, give it a watch when yee get the chance”

“Haha nah its alright, Ive seen it too many times, I don’t think it’s underrated” I was confused.

I invited him to have a seat and I made him a cup of tea I offered him a Digestive, but he refused .“So you know anything about the guy who owns this house ?” he asked me.

“Aye I heard he’s rolling in it and living the life despite what his old high school friends think, but as far as I know he doesn’t keep any of it lying around” I said while getting ready to knock this cunt out.

“Thats a shame, I really needed that money”

“why’s that bud ?” I decided to humour him.

“I have 3 kids to feed, the ma fucked off awhile back, we dont have enough to pay rent, we will be out in the streets by the end of the month”

“That’s shocking mate” I said to him.

“ya know what, I think ill have one of them Digestives now”

“Good man, there’s one digestive for ya mate, enjoy it”

We chatted for hours, two masked men drinking tea, trading life stories, it was great.

“I think its time for me to go mate, the baby sitter will be raging” he said.

Just before he climbed out of the broken window he broke, I said


I ran into the living room and grabbed my Shawshank Redemption DVD

“Give it to your kids, Shawshank Redemption, underrated gem, tell them to give it a watch when they get the chance.”

He took the DVD with a smile on his face and off he went into the sunset. What an amazing experience, ya know for a robber the only thing he manage to steal was my hear…

Hold on my packet of digestive biscuits are gone, vanished, just like that, thieving cunt somehow managed to stroke a full packet of digestive biscuits from my kitchen table, the next time I see that wanker Im gonna shoot the bastard where he stands.



This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Thief

  1. You have a unique voice as a writer. The first person narrator has a “distinct voice.” I liked the twist that the homeowner is mistaken for another robber.

    I wrote a short story called “The Man Who Flipped a Coin.” If you would like to read it, I am open to any feedback:

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Some minor suggestions for improvement:

    There are a lot of comma splices, which makes the story more difficult to read. For example, in the opening paragraph, there should be a period after “mask” and “wasn’t”.

    For your dialogue tags there should be a comma before the second quotation mark. For example, there should be a comma after “raging”.

    And a small contradiction: at the start of the story it is a Blu Ray, but it later becomes a DVD.

    I hope these suggestions are helpful in making your story better!

    Liked by 1 person

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